Escaping Domestic Violence

I think one of the key messages I got from our follow-up show on Domestic Violence is that as a victim, you must realise that:-

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

ITS  NOT YOUR FAULT!

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect, especially from those who proclaim to love  and cherish them.

There is help at hand for people who need it.There are people who dedicate time, purpose and passion to offering help to anyone who feels that they are a victim, or knows a victim.

It IS possible to get help if you so desire. There is hope for the future.

Please listen to the podcast of Ayo Sonoiki in conversation - Domestic Violence part 2 here:

Ayo Sonoiki in conversation -Domestic Violence Part 2 07/19 by Living outside Nigeria | Blog Talk Radio


Please listen to the podcast of Ayo Sonoiki in conversation - Domestic Violence part 1 here:

Ayo Sonoiki in conversation -Domestic Violence Part 1 07/04 by Living outside Nigeria | Blog Talk Radio

Here are some helpful contact details mentioned in these episodes:

Website: www.domesticviolenceuk.org

Email: admin@domesticviolenceuk.org

Facebook Page: http://facebook.com/domesticviolenceuk

Twitter: http://twitter.com/dviolenceuk

Young Peoples Website: www.talkaboutdv.org

Facebook Page: http://facebook.com/talkaboutdv

Twitter: https://twitter.com/TalkAboutDV1

Apps

Android App: B-Informed in Google play store

Blackberry App: B-Informed in the blackberry world store * waiting for approval from blackberry

Apple App: B-Informed *** waiting for apple to approve our vendor

Text Directory: Text the word ’2FIND’ followed by your postcode to 88802 to receive a list of support organisations within a 15 miles

The Helplines

Women: The National Domestic Violence Helpline 08082000247(run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge)

Men: The Men’s Advice Helpline on 0808 801 0327

The National LGBT Helpline(Broken Rainbow) on 0300 999 5428.

Glowing Futures
 Website: http://www.glowingfuture.org.uk

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/GlowingFuture

The Eyes See Better Than The Ears Hear!

On my way into work today I sat next to a deaf couple on the London Underground.

'They must be in love' I thought to myself.   

They were like any other couple within my carriage, apart from the fact that they looked at each other as they spoke. They touched each other to get their attention. They seemed to smile a lot.

It got me thinking..... How often do we look at the person we're talking to, especially if you're in a relationship with them? 

I think of how we talk to our kids while "multi-tasking".

How we have conversations with our partners while we're in separate rooms (basically shouting through the door)

How we pay for our shopping without making eye contact with the cashier.

Ok, so you won't always be in a position to look deep into someone's eyes while having a conversation ..... but I think we probably could do it a lot more if we tried. 

Take some time to connect with somebody. Remember, The eyes see better than the ears hear.

The oh-so creative pair!

I had the pleasure of Tope Abulude (Balloon Inspirations) and Bibi Oluyole (Cakes Provocateur) on my show yesterday.
Who would of thought that sooooo much goes into baking and decorating a cake or designing decor for an event?!

Listen to internet radio with Living outside Nigeria on BlogTalkRadio

Move on!!

MOVE ON!

Here’s a thought (I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THIS, JUST THINK ABOUT IT). Get into the front seat of your car, then turn your body around. Knees on the front seat with your back on the steering wheel, your face looking toward the trunk. Stay in that position and try to drive the car forward. It’s impossible, right? If by some miracle you do manage to go forward I guarantee you won't get very 

far. If the car represents our lives then the way we are sitting in the driver's seat represents the way we approach it. It’s really hard to move on when you’re looking the wrong way. There is nothing wrong with the car... what is wrong is the position some of us are sitting in, meaning there is nothing wrong with your life, and you’re just facing the wrong direction.

There are many things that can cause you to be out of alignment with life, but instead of focusing on the many, I’d like to talk about one thing in particular... And that is GUILT.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. He was telling me about all the guilt that he feels. Guilt that his marriage fell apart. Guilt that he doesn’t get to see his kids very often. Guilt that he’s not in a financial position to do more for them. Guilt over the mistakes he’s made in his past. Guilt over lots of money that he wasted doing the wrong things. So much guilt about everything.

I had to stop him and remind him of a few things. What I know about guilt is this: guilt is a tool that is used to destroy you. We all make mistakes. We all have fallen short. We have all disappointed someone, including ourselves at some point. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. It's done. Instead of beating yourself up about it, how about putting that same energy into making sure that it doesn’t happen again and healing anyone who may have been hurt by it?

You can’t let guilt win or consume you. You can’t let it take over your thoughts because if you do, you will start a downward spiral. It’s like this... guilt is the trick that makes you feel that you’re unworthy, and if you feel that you’re unworthy then you will feel that you don’t deserve any good thing to happen to you. And so, as a man thinks so is he. If you think you don’t deserve good things you will never have good things. And when things are falling apart you will feel guilty that they are falling apart. Do you see the cycle? There is no winning here. In order to be free and be lifted you must let go of the guilt or it will keep you bound.

How do you do that? Well, it’s a process, but you start by asking forgiveness of whomever you hurt, ask forgiveness of God, and most of all ask forgiveness of yourself. Although God forgives us most easily, we sometimes can't forgive ourselves. You can’t get to great things ahead if you're always looking behind you. It’s like trying to drive your car in that awkward position. (Tyler Perry)_

Winter protection....

Any doubt left as to whether summer was over was definitely eliminated this morning!

 Although we've not had a long scorching summer here in the UK for some time now, you still get used to not having to wear those heavy winter coats and gloves. And then all of a sudden, you’re rudely reminded that this is the UK where you’re guaranteed unpredictable weather. 

Anyway, winter is here, and is probably here to stay for a while.

So my winter beauty regime starts.
 Well, I say beauty regime, it’d  more accurate to say:

 ‘So my  daily slapping on of moisturisers begins’! 

 I tend to have quite dry skin and end up mixing all manner of creams together to get the right potion to avoid those unsightly ashy knuckles, elbows and feet.

A really effective  moisturiser is Shea butter and I've found a great product that is 95% pure Shea butter.

Shea butter creams can be found in loads of shops but most products only have, at best, 20% of the natural stuff. They’re mostly mixed with water and other stuff to make them last longer.

Sheacolive (www.sheacolive.com) products have Shea butter, Cocoa butter, coconut and olive oils as well as a variety essential oils (that suppress that Shea butter smell, because the natural stuff smells, well…., let’s just say strong!).  

Sheacolive products can be used on the skin and scalp and are soft enough to use straight from the tub.
They a are made in the UK but the main ingredients (Shea and Cocoa butter) are imported from Ghana. 

I love these products; they leave my skin feeling soft, supple and ‘fully loaded’  and I know I'm paying for the real stuff which makes me also tingle all over! 
So come on winter, blow and freeze your worst! Me and my skin are ready.....

Have a look at their website to find out more about the company and their products.They come highly recommended, by me at least.

A range of their products

My favourite at the moment, body butter with Orange oil, lovely!

For the things I have...

Today, I made the kids turn off the TV, and asked my son to put his phone away.
Then the 3 of us sat in the living room and played Charades (or 'Give us a Clue' as I prefer to call it!)

 Such a simple game,with nothing required other than willing participants and a bit of imagination. 
We had a blast and laughed SOOOOO much at and with each other.
 Its amazing what spending time together as a family, doing the little things, can do for the health and happiness of that family.
 I'm grateful that I have a 17 yr old who I can relate with, share a joke with, laugh with, hug, tickle (he'll hate me for saying that!!). I'm grateful that I have a 9yr old who loves spending time with her brother.

 I'm grateful that there is love shared in my household. There are many things I don't have, but I wouldn't trade them for what I do have!

Tango with me

I had the privilege of attending the UK film premiere of TANGO WITH ME on the 17th of August 2012 at the Greenwich Odeon.

I've attended a couple of other premieres and so was expecting the usual 'hustle' in order to speak to the cast and crew. Not so on this occasion. It had an informal approach which I think worked in its favour.

We settled down to watch the film (just about 30mins behind schedule) and I must say I was really impressed by what I saw. It had a simplistic approach and feel which I'm sure was not easy to achieve. The unpredictable storyline was a nice deviation from the Nollywood norm and whoever the costume designer was should be paid double whatever they're originally signed up for!

The film takes the viewer through a roller coaster of emotions and the support cast stole the show as far as I'm concerned.

Director Mahmood Alli-Balogun

The director Mahmood Alli-Balogun  and lead actor  Benjamin Joseph answered questions from the audience and we got a little  insight into what it takes to put a production of that quality together.



 

The film is now on general release in the UK. See the website for listing details

www.tangowithmefilm.com

Hey you!

When we first met we were inseparable.
We spoke late into the night and first thing in the morning. I told you everything and you shared your world with me. I wouldn't even consider another. I had everything I needed in and with you.

But then I guess I got a bogged down with life and stuff and so I stopped spending as much time with you. I started having other interests and somehow you didn't quite hit the spot with me anymore.

The late night chats and early morning ‘touching bases’ became tiresome and then irritating. So we decided to take a break. It was by mutual consent. Maybe by spending time away from each other we could somehow rekindle what we once had. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that….but the opposite happened.

I started noticing others. I realised that you were too 'full on'….I needed space and not to be smothered. Maybe because I’m getting older, I just don’t have the patience to sit through ‘stuff’ that I’m not feeling any more.

You’ll always be my first and nothing can change that! We’re not in a deep relationship anymore but I do hope we can remain friends. We’ll stay in touch and hopefully you won’t totally blot me out of your life.


I hope you understand Facebook, but I’ve left you for Twitter!!

All my love Ayo x

Its 'awa' birthday!

I swear the world is spinning so much quicker now that I'm getting older!

It seems like only a few weeks ago that there was so much noise about Naija being 50...but in reality that was a whole 12 months ago!!

I'm sure everyone has an elderly relative, who doesn't give 2 hoots about what anybody else thinks and is will to say whatever they feel without any applied tact, right? Well maybe na old age o, but I'm really starting to feel that way, and I'm not even THAT old!

As many of you know, I share my birthday with Nigeria, 1st october is my birthday.

I remember last year how enthusiastic I was about the us as a nation turning 50.

 I shouted in the faces of all those who said that we had nothing to be proud of as a nation:

"Lets not be so negative, lets see what WE as a people can do to change the state of Nigeria" "Nigeria is not a president, neither is it a governmnet, Nigeria is about the people"!!

Do you remember that?

Well I did believe it at the time.....but boy!, what a difference a year can make.

So now, we have a new government but the same ol' problems, things aren't   moving in the right direction. Or so it seems.

On  Thinking Aloud with Ayo  this week, l'm looking back at the Naija at 50 show and I'm trying to figure out why I'm not as optimistic about the possibility of change within our nation.

Abi na just old age dey do me?!

www.nigerianwebradio.com Fridays at 1700 GMT/1100US ET, repeated Saturdays 1100GMT/0600US ET

Follow Follow Religion - Revisited

Its amazing how wonderfully and fearfully we have been made.

I was watching with awe and wonder as 2 surgeons were interviewed this week on their ability to separate con-joined twins, joined at the head.

They had created clay models of the twins and more or less project managed the entire procedure down to every last blood vessel.

That was almost a year ago, and the twins are  still alive, well  and separate with no known disabilities.

Absolutely amazing!!

Equally amazing are the stories of people who are told what to eat,drink, say, wear, like, dislike by other human being, as if they were not created with  a brain of their own.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made.....if only we believed it. We place religious leaders on pedestals and we sit and look up at them as if they aren't human beings like us.

Why is that?

Join me this Friday (5pm) and Saturday (11am) as  I ponder......if you have any answers to the questions I raise, PLEASE let me know. This one pass me o!

Thinking Aloud with Ayo on  www.nigerianwebradio.com

The Manual- Revisited

I was listening to a song recently by George Benson "20/20 vision", and there is a line that says

 'If I knew back then what I know now..."  (you should hear me sing....honestly!)

 and it got me thinking about a show I did last year.

All the things I wish I had been told when I first arrived in the UK to start my 'adult' life! 

Everything from finances to relationships to dealing with requests from home to staying focused and having a plan.

I had intented to put together a manual to be given to all 'JJC's as soon as they land in 'away'.

What would your entries be? What do you wish you knew back then, (whenever 'back then' was)?

Join me today as I revisit the show, as well as give you some entry suggestions made by other listeners.

Thinking  Aloud with Ayo  Friday 1700gmt (11am US central) http://www.nigerianwebradio.com/

Intelligence - Nature or Nuture

A couple of artcles have caught my attention over the last week or so.

They both  focused on the achievements of young children and their perfomances in higher level exams.

I personally know the family of one of them and know for sure that the boy in question is a balanced child i.e he doesnt spend ALL his time 'reading his book'!!

As with many who read these stories, I started questioning myself:
" why aren't my kids as clever as them?"
"Am I the one holding my kids back by not insisting that they prepare for higher exams when they are much younger"?!

And it got me thinking....Are some kids are just destined to be brainier than others? Or does the environment one is brought up in make all the difference?


Join me on Thinking Aloud with Ayo today ( and every Friday) http://www.nigerianwebradio.com/ at 17:00GMT /1100ET (repeated  every Saturday 11:00GMT)
Let me know what you think.....

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23981546-a-level-boy-10-is-off-to-eton.do#.TliuTC0ZpOQ.facebook

Did poverty cause the England riots?

Ususally August is dead when it comes to news.....not in 2011! This year will be remembered not just in the UK but around the world as the summer of looting and riots.

They have been many debates had, (and to be had) as to what caused such a unified wave of criminality. Some have said, boredom, ignorance, a lack of education and even a sense of belonging. But what caught my attention was the number of people who said it was caused by poverty.

And that got me thinking........Do we really experience poverty in the Western world? What IS poverty? Can you blame poverty when shoes, electronics, jewellery etc were being looted and not food?

Thinking Aloud with Ayo today (Friday) http://www.nigerianwebradio.com/ at 17:00GMT (repeated Saturday 11:00GMT)

TAWA - Is it true that women are not as good in leadership as men??

On today's (3rd June 2011) edition of the show I address this question.

It was sparked by  a conversation I had with a male friend who said he would NEVER employ  woman over a man.

To say that I was annoyed and irritated  would be an understatement but it did make me think....

 -What makes a good leader?
- Are these skilled unique only to men?
- Are all men genetically engineered to be leaders or is that more to do with social engineering?
- Are my friend's views on women in leadership shared by most naija men?
- What on earth do women have to do to be seen as more than just, baby making machines and cooks?!

Join me at 1700GMT/1100ET on www.nigerianwebradio.com and let me know what you think

Should kids take sides when their parents have a dispute?

I know that the question asked is a broad one, and i guess every family, situation, person is different. But I wonder if there is ever a time when its OK to 'side' with one parent against another.

When two married  adults  are in dispute with each other can there ever be an instance where the kids taking a stance against one parent can ever led to anything other than disaster?

My question was sparked by the ongoing saga in the Wigwe household. (Nigerian Ambassador to Kenya who's wife has alleged that he beat  her. She even provided pictures of her bloodied face to prove it).
The accusations raised my Mrs Wigwe have caused quite a stir and Mr Wigwe,  as I understand, has been recalled by President Jonathan to allow the Nigerian foreign ministry to perfect  plans for a thorough investigation.

So, all this is going on and quite rightly too. After-all there are always 2 sides to every story so a full investigation of the facts MUST be done.

 Meanwhile, Wigwe junior, 20year old son of Mr and Mrs Wigwe, has seemingly written a letter to.....well I don't know who it was originally addressed to, to clear his father's name and expose his mother as the guilty party in this matter.

Now, of course he is entitled to his own opinion of his parent's issues, but why  O why would you put ALL you business out there for all to see? He said he wants to clear his father's name, but isn't he then soiling his mother's name? 

Once this is dealt with and both Daddy and Mummy settle their differences (or one of them gets prosecuted!!) how will he be able to look his mother in the eye?

I'm sure he had his reasons for going to the press, but I just cant see how this is helping his family situation. Surely his father is big and bad enough to be able to clear his name without having to rely on his kids to show how bad a woman their mother is?

Or am I missing the point here???

President Goodluck Jonathan's Inauguration Ball

So today 29th May, Goodluck Jonathan had his inaugural ball.

 I heard  that the  inauguration  cost about N1bn so I eagerly awaited the live feed that was to be beamed all over the world. Afterall it was billed as THE party. 

Shebi  most of us saw the Obama inauguration so we've seen how it can be done. But we be Naija now! And we know how to throw a party, so of course our own must pass Obama own?!

Unfortunately that was not the case! 

I couldn't believe what I was seeing (or trying to see as the live feed was sooooo bad! ) Now, bearing in mind this was the PRESIDENTIAL BALL, not a  typical  'owambe' party, yet I swear you wouldn't have been able to tell the difference . 

It looked rowdy, disorganised, boring and so not what you'd expect for a Presidential Ball. The camera's panned the crowd and the people looked like they had been forced to attend! 

Victor Uwaifo provided some music and some of the guests danced but again most looked like they'd rather be anywhere but there! 

Onyeka Onwenu took the very brave step of asking the President, his wife the VP and all others on stage to sing 'One Love'. Not as backup singers o! But right into the microphone. I'm sure they all have  many talents but singing is definitely not one of them.

From the Eagle Square venue the celebrations then moved to another venue....where exactly I don't know because by then I had lost interest. To be fair maybe those who actually attended did enjoy themselves but that was hidden from my view when watching the TV.

Anyway sha, he's been sworn in, they have thrown the N1bn party.Now that that is out of their system let the work begin.

Don't mind me o, I'm just thinking aloud......

TAWA - Kids in Naija not allowed to speak 'vernacular'!!

On today's show, I asked the question "Why do some Nigerian parents, living with their children IN Nigerian forbid them from learn their native tongue"!
Living in the UK you find many other cultures actively encourage their children to learn not only about where they originally come from, but also their native dialect. So you could find a child born in the UK, who has never been out of the UK, conversing with its mum or dad FLUENTLY in their native tongue. Now that might be because they only speak  their native tongue whilst in the home and talk to 'the wider world' in English. I think in doing this  it in stills a sense of pride and belonging within that child.
OK, so that's for kids outside of their 'home' country. But why on earth, would you forbid the promotion and  cultivation of your own culture, in your own country within your own kids?? By doing so aren't you saying really, that 'away' is better than home? That you have nothing really to be proud of? That to progress and be successful in life you need to minimize your 'ethnic-ness' and adopt the twang or purr of another language/culture?

Me o, I'm all for speaking well  i.e grammatically , but that doesn't mean that I have to pretend not to come from where I DO come from.

The danger with not promoting or encouraging our kids to embrace their culture is that we could end up with a generation which has lost its identity and who are frantically trying to re-define themselves based on 'away people's' thinking.

Anyway sha, I'm just thinking aloud........

And so it begins.........

For a while now, (well actually for a few years!) I've meant to start this blog. To be fair i actually DID start on another site but after a couple of posts, decided it was too much effort!  But I'm in a new phase now and I'm working  on saying 'NO' to procrastination and 'YES' to decisive action.
I've been told by many that i have the gift of the gab, and so have  found it easier to talk for AGES!! but hard to write coherent sentences....well thats going to change! Oh I'll still talk for ages, but will start perfecting the art of writing.....blogging....coherently.
Where this will lead, I'm not quite sure, but atleast procastionation, in this instance, will not be seen with me, walking hand in hand!